Growing Up, Its Price, and My Life

Growing Up, Its Price, and My Life

by Pearl L. Balanay

As I face life’s frustrations and obstacles, I felt the little girl with a hopeful mind inside me to be drifting away. I wouldn’t call it changing because I never knew I was capable of that. But whether I changed or not, wasn’t my choice. It was my world who did. I thought, maybe this is what they meant when they say growing up has its price. But, as a girl with only a little hint of optimism left, I wanted it to stop; I wanted to stop growing up.

       When I was a kid, I always thought that when I grew up, I’d do everything I’ve always wanted to do. I’d finally fulfill my dreams. But growing up, I only realized one horrible truth, that my dreams were just that, dreams. Maybe reality has its own way of welcoming us into its arms. It breaks our shell of rainbows and love, and expresses our core, our hearts and souls to the cold, bitter truth of life itself. Gone are the early winters when we built snowmen and made snow angels. Now, we welcome the mornings of frost and depression, and for good reason. Because although we know that the sun still shines, we likewise know it will not be enough to cull our frozen demons, much like our dreams. We realize, regretfully, that although our dreams still give us hope, they will never be enough to melt the frozen fortress that holds our innocent hearts captive. We despise our cage, yet love it all the same. For though it keeps our hearts from the happiness we so seek, it also keeps us safe from the cold, harsh reality from piercing any deeper into our wayward hearts.

       Years have gone by and I became me. The optimistic little girl inside me was completely gone, only an icy and bitter teenage girl filled with cynicism that’s left. I became a machine with calculated movements to perform. It suddenly felt safer to suppress my feelings, my thoughts, and even my own happiness. I have stopped believing for something good to happen, instead, I just prepare and embrace myself for the worst. I guess I must have witnessed too much human flaws that my mere optimism in life got crippled. I guess in my life, winter came, but it never left.